Where I was 20 years ago… I have learned; The darker the dark, the brighter the Light…
My world is a world of darkness seeping into the light. it seems the only time I see light in others is when I am deep in the depths of grief. I ‘m so tired of seeing the light of the world on the other side of the thin layer of opaque membrane that stretches with my touch and never allowing the freedom of feeling joy.
Everything I read says its just a matter of conscious living. well fuck you! There is not a word about how to break through the frozen over lake of despair that allows the light of God to filter through and tease my soul into trying once again to break through the slab of frozen emotion. My soul, as souls go, has a spark of gold upon which my whole reason for still being alive today is based upon.
The problem at this time is that the floods of pain and emotion have stirred the black bottom of my ocean making it just a speck mixed in with the billions of pieces of sand and stone that shift within the currents of time.
1,040,688,000 seconds have ticked by since I’ve incarnated in this life. Almost every moment of it spent in fear, anxiety, pain, anger & hatred. what a life…
I know I’ve accomplished good things in this life time I know that there is some reason for being here and I don’t even care if I never find out why, I just want the pain to subside . I just want to see my children as the perfect spirits they are before I destroy the spirit within them. I want to rip through the veil to see all humans as the loving light workers they are, instead of the projection of my own self destructive, judging being, that exists within my skin doing everything possible to destroy my connection with the highest truth in my world.
How do I break through the years of reactionary, unconsciousness that quickly activate itself in moments of unknowing. As I see these words I can see the self pity within them crying out to be plucked out and laughed at. but each day I still awaken with a heavy heart. With fear of what the day may ask of me in my hole of security. the dark little cave I call mine that, like a stirred badger, I strike from and retreat throughout the day. what is wrong with my reception of reality and why can’t I focus upon the true vibrational frequency that my soul strives to vibrate with. Why with choices of self deception or ascension I chose to destroy. My lost soul is tired of the search for itself. The mirror shows me a stranger upon whom people see and call Michael, the one everyone tells me is full of gold. Where is he because I really want to meet him. I want to see through his eyes, to feel his love that everyone tells me he has so much of. My mission is to create a world of truth and love by expressing only truth and love. It is a noble mission, only if through the shimmering veil of darkness, I could see truth, if only with clarity I could see love…
How do I get over the feeling that I will never see clarity in my life, how hopeless I feel. I’ve allowed myself to feel ecstasy on so few occasions. Is this all I allowed for myself in this lifetime, did I choose a contract of the lost soul? Spending each day circling around the dessert until I lie dying, and at that final moment I see light… I don’t know if I can keep my head above water because each time I take a breath of growth I sink deeper into my shadow. I thought that as we grow we vibrate higher making our lessons, not easier , but our ability to learn quickens.
It is the knowing that there is a veil before my eyes. a knowing that maybe, just maybe , some day I will allow myself to see beyond the frames of my world and see my life as the gift it is meant to be. God knows, right now I am galaxies away from my truth and the key through the door of darkness is dangling in front of me in every moment . The task is to keep my head above water long enough for the clouds to pass and vision to emerge.
It’s a task all right. As I haven’t, yet, learned how to swim.